Mo's slapstick like goulash

Ingredients (feeds 2 big eaters):
- one big or two smaller onions
- garlic (as many cloves as you like.. I usually use 2 or 3)
- 1/2 fresh red pepper
- hand full of mushrooms
- 1/2 liter water
- salt, pepper
- sweet soy sauce
- 2 or 3 bay leafs
- tomatoe purée
- about 300 grams of beef
- cornstarch
- butter

Get the onions out of the cupboard, at least try to but since the doorknob flew off when you moved the dryer, you're left with the doorknob in your hand and the cupboard still closed. Bend down to open the door by hand and get the onions. Put the doorknob back on the door and close it. Slice the onions.. no need to slice them finely since they'll be in the pan for over two hours.

Walk around the old washing machine that you put in the middle of the kitchen so the new one could be put in the right place and get the red pepper out of the fridge. Walk back to the cutting board (again avoiding the washing machine) and remove the inside part of the red pepper. Slice half of it in parts (again no need to slice it finely).

Go back to the cupboard and open it.... doorknob in hand, no open door.. open it by bending down and gripping the door again and get the garlic. Put the doorknob back on, shake your head and close the door. Use two cloves and remove the skin, crush the cloves.

Go back to the fridge.. look out for the washing machine!! and get the mushrooms. You can use as much as you like or as little or none if you don't like them at all. Walk back to the cutting board, avoid the washing machine!, clean them and slice them as fine as you want them to be.

Go back to the fridge.. yeah yeah.. the washing machine I know! and get some butter. Go back into the living room since the lighter is there and you need it to light the burner. Walk back into the kitchen. Melt the butter in a pan that will hold at least 750 ml. When the butter is melted, walk around your washing machine.. and get the sliced ingredients. Avoid the washing machine again and add the onions, red pepper and mushrooms to the melted butter and saute them. Add the garlic and saute that with the rest.

Go to the cupboard to get the salt and pepper, open the door... doorknob in hand.. bend down.. get the salt and pepper.. laugh out loud, put the doorknob back and close the door. Add salt and pepper to the rest of the ingredients. Remember you forgot to get the sweet soy sauce and go back to the cupboard, open it... doorknob in hand, door still closed, bend down.... and get the sweet soy sauce. Use as much as you like, I usually use about one/one and a half teaspoon. Add to the rest of the ingredients. Don't forget to stirr once in a while! Put salt, pepper, sweet soy sauce back in the cupboard... yeah by now you know the drill... doorknob in hand, bend down, open the door, shake head, laugh, put doorknob back while looking for a screwdriver and close door. Right after you closed the door remember about the bay leaves... open, doorknob, bend, get bay leaves, put doorknob back, grin, close door. Put the bay leaves in the pan.

Heat 1/2 liter of water in a water cooker. If you're smart your tomatoe purée will still be in a tin.. but since I frooze the left over purée from last time... I have to walk around the washing machine, open the freezer, get the ice cube tray that holds my tomatoe purée, look at it wondering how to get the cubes out, feel it start freezing to my hand, use some warm water to losen the cubes and put 4 cubes in the pan (about 2 or 3 table spoons). Put the rest of the purée back into the freezer (if you like, otherwise get rid of it or store it some other way).

Stirr all the ingredients,walk around the washing machine, think of  moving it out of the way, but since you're almost done now.. what's the point really, get the water, walk around the washing machine again, and add it to the pan. Since the water is boiling hot, it doesn't take long for everything in the pan to be back at boiling point. Add the beef, get the whole thing back to boiling and then put the burner on simmer. Let it simmer for about 2 hours.

Look at the washing machine and move it to a place in the kitchen where you don't have to walk around it every single time you need something. Get a screwdriver and tighten that darn doorknob on the cupboard so it doesn't fall off every time you want something out of the cupboard. Now... take a deep breath... get a bottle of wine, get the corkscrew, tilt the bottle just a little too much while you're taking out the cork. Sigh, shake head again. Put the bottle down, walk back into the kitchen to get a cloth to remove the spilled wine. Poor yourself a glass of wine, get on the couch, take a deep breath and remember how great life is, right at this moment ;).

* finishing the recipe is easy.. after about two hours, get the beef out of the pan, slice it into cubes and put the beef back into the pan. Taste the sauce to see if there's enough salt, pepper etc in it. When satisfied, use the cornstarch to bind the sauce. You can serve this dish with rice and a nice salad. Ooh and it's a lot easier to make if your cupboard doorknob isn't broken and your washing machine isn't in the middle of the kitchen ;)